I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
