While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
