I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
