he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
