Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
