I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
