Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
