who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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