Porn is love you can see.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
