This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
