so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
