I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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