I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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