remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
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My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
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I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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