If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
