Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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