I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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