When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
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