I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
