Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
