Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
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