it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
