I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
