I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
