so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
