How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
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By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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