I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
