He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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