Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos