So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.