New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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