a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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