If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
