i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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