In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
