Just fell off a train. Bad.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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