My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
