he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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