The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Please don't give away my fajitas
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