I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
...so i touched it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
porn star boner night. come get it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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