she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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