blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize