Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.