Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
