No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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