Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
did i just pee glitter