I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.