Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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