Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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