I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize
