You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
