in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
