your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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