Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
