Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
