Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
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