my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
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I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
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I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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