I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
