My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
