Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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