I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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