I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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