I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize