i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
